Sunday, October 19, 2014

All Is Fair In Love And War: And Other Stories

For the past few days, I'd been physically exhausted.  Er, make that, ementally too.  I realized, I had said "for the past few days" too often these, well, past few days.  Let me lay it out flat.  For the past month, I had not been well.  I thought I was a pretty strong human being.  In the three-dimensional perspective (physical, emotional, mental).  But apparently, when you get nuked in the heart all three parts of you get obliterated, and then some.

Good luck picking up the pieces after that.  Because, you need to put yourself back together.  And get at least one of the three to work.

In an all-systems check, it was kind of obvious that the emotional system was working on over-clock.  When in heartbreak mode, emotions were felt four times heavier.  They cut through skin, muscle, bone, and vital organs.  You could have been running on flat line right about then.  But, nope, your body was still working.  Because right in the middle of your drama, right in the middle of your screaming and shouting and crying, your head started to hurt, your stomach turned inside out and you choked on your own mucous.  Right in the middle of your moping around apparently you still had the strength to take a shit.  And you clamored for water.

A friend once expressed a wish.  She had wished that the rest of us find and experience love in the true conventional way.  The happy ending.  Because she went through love like it was thrust upon her, perhaps.  And I looked around the people sitting around that table at the time she prophesied.  I looked at us now like broken clocks in a heap of unwanted furniture.  All with their own shape, size, color, and lacquer.  With our own cuts, cracks, and nicks.  The hands suspended in our own times.  All put together in one dusty corner, forgotten.  We were fighting our own battles and, I really thought that was funny.  Well look at all these broken women.  We'd all probably experienced direct nuclear hits to the heart at point-blank range.  And in the all-systems check, apparently we were still alive.

Broken, but, alive.  With pieces missing, but still searching.  Trying to get the three systems up and running- with no chance for a perfect comeback as shards blew to continents far away, but alive.

Saturday, September 13, 2014

Spiritual Healing: The Road To Inner Peace

I believe that the body is a temple.  I believe that the first step to self-destruction is when you allow physical matter to corrupt your body.  Then the mind and heart follow.  In no particular order.  Just, the physical part is clear to me.  

For the past few weeks I had succumbed to the lowest of temptations, peer pressure.  You may think it's nothing fancy, but it all comes full circle when you give it an opening.  The alcohol until seven in the morning, and all the other crazy stuff that come with it.  All due to peer pressure.  There is that popular adage "Kung ayaw, may dahilan.  Kung gusto, may paraan".  "If you don't want to, you could always reason out.  If you want to, you can always find a way."  And I admitted to myself half of the time that I was weak.  In that, I gave in.  When I could have walked away.  Or, waved a stick.  Or threatened with my pepper spray.  But I simply thought that there was no risk.  That I was going to be fine.  

Mind you, I thought that last week alone probably cost me four years of my life in the grand scheme of things.  Or if my father found out what I had been up to, consider my life over.  It was time, I thought, to shape up.  My mind and heart were turning black.  I thought that I was finally sick in the head when, even to the anonymity of cyberspace, if it ever existed, I could not "shout it out".  It was then that I caught myself red-handed.  Of lying.  To myself.  The truth was, I was not going to be okay with this,  That I was, for a few days, riding on a high, and then finally came crashing down the cold, hard, concrete floor.  

I realized it was pretty simple.  I just needed to be honest.  To myself.  I mean, who cared about the rest of the world?  I just needed to learn to fulfill my own promises.  It took me a very long time to learn to say no to worldly luxuries that probably cost my father a fortune.  And now I am trying to say no to other things that could ruin the soul.  One at a time.  

I think that's pretty much the only formula to spiritual healing.  Do not lie to the self.  

Wednesday, September 3, 2014

The Goodie Bag 02: Fun For The Whole Family

I remember when I was reading Nana* and one of the group's pass-time favorite was Mahjong.  I thought, well now, that's really cool.  And it is.  I love mahjong.  Not to a crazy extent (like some people I know... ahem.) but I always wished that one day I could have a mahjong set.  My grandfather who taught us the game passed on this beautiful set of real ivory pieces.  I have three other sisters, and one of us in our drunken college days must have lost the entire set to some random person, because we can't find it anywhere now.  And I know it's probably breaking my mother's heart that it's lost, but I decided I'd definitely own one- one like my grandfather had, something that could be passed on and hopefully my grandchildren will take good care of.

Not that I'm encouraging gambling or anything.  It's just that these games have a special place in my childhood memories.  My father also introduced us to the game of poker, so I learned it when I was very young.  We don't play it often, and I don't gamble.  My boyfriend loves poker.  So I'm thinking, a good addition to the perfect entertainment when I become host to our own little household is... Poker chips! 

I learned to play mahjong at around eight years old.  I learned to play poker when I was twelve, I think.  But I'll buy a Monopoly set for my kids so I can play with them even when they're six.  My boyfriend loves the more "adult" version, Monopoly Deal, which is faster and more compact.  But kids love the tokens and the play money.  Let them have that.

And the ultimate entertainment platform that will probably cost me more than I can chew: The Air Hockey Table.  Because not only will it be expensive, but it will need its own space.  But if I can give my kids this much, wouldn't they be so cool among their friends though?  Haha.  Granted, they can probably enjoy that in their teens so I have a lot of time to save up and prepare for that.  I mean, it's not like that's the only goal I'd have to accommodate.  

There are the more educational purchases like the music instruments and stuff.  So put these in the back burner.  But that mahjong set though...

*Nana- a manga by Yazawa Ai

Weekend Report 16: More Reasons

I'm thinking if my approach on the subject was entirely objective.  Maybe, but I can't say there was no bias.  My day off was supposedly spent like normal.  I had one of the not-too-shitty weeks, but, almost in the notch of shitty.  Just barely grazing that shitty level.  My body was pretty worn out and I needed that house cleaning action to stretch the muscles and clear my head.  Except that my boyfriend told me to send a package immediately and long of the short goes, I made my way to Makati in a cab at 3 pm, where I ended up stuck in a traffic jam five minutes to my destination when huge clumps of water dropped from the sky.  By the time I got to his sister (who was to take the package) it was raining bucketloads.  And as a friend of mine once said, Manila traffic: just add water.  

I decided to go home immediately, as I could not do anything in Makati in this awful, awful, awful weather.  But it was the end of the month and I had no money.  I opted for the train.  As if it was really an option.  Then of course the expected happened.  The train had some problem and a gazillion people were lined up in the station and it was suffocating and sweat-smelling and hot.  I decided to wait the rush hour out.  Then again, I didn't even have money to buy me time.  So I just walked around the mall complex, window-shopping with no cash and much to my dismay.  I thought to just burn out my credit to zero to do my groceries there.  At least I'd crossed one chore off the list of productive things to do rather than plain window-shopping/ torture.  With the bag of groceries in one hand, I tried to get a cab.  All around the mall still a thousand people were in lines for the cabs that surprisingly disappeared because it was a Friday.  And oh, because it was still raining.  When I thought to go back to the train, the lines were even longer than ever and the air all misty and heavy around them.  I looked around for a cab again, and believe it, I was crying.  I just wanted to go home!  I was tired, and wanted to spend my day off like a normal person.  Why was this taken away from me and why was I suffering like a citizen who had no roof over her head and a bed to lay on at a time when it was raining and my body was weary???!!!

I did manage to get a cab, finally.  I will mention that the cabbie asked for an additional PHP 50, to which I no longer argued, but checked my money and had to pay him all my friggin' coins.  We did spend an hour on EDSA road and I was hoping all my coins would fit the bill.  It did.  But I gave him all of it.  Every single cent.

That was my day, gone.  I wanted to cry.  I hated this place.  I hated Manila.  And I wondered why my friends could never leave this place.  I hated that I had to live from paycheck to paycheck.  I hated that I had to wait up to the minute to get my money before I could do anything.  I hated that money dictated how I had to go home.  

I just had to wait it out, I guess.  Let me have that service charge, goddammit.  

Wednesday, August 20, 2014

After-Work Priorities of a 27-Year Old Geek S02E05

And of course I ended up watching all the interviews and press conferences related to Rurouni Kenshin and their premiere in the Philippines.  Until 6 AM.  I have to go to work in five hours.  My geekiness will be the death of me.

Takei Emi was so shy - She was absolutely adorable it was as if you wanted to put her in your pocket. @_@

Takeru Satoh is just too cool about the whole thing- badass like the main actor he is.

Then there's Munetaka Aoki.  Who wore slippers to not only the premier, but to the press conference as well.

Many of the interviewers noted that Munetaka Aoki was very much like the character he played- Sanosuke Sagara.  When asked if he was indeed similar to his character, he answered with "I hope so, but not so stupid".

Honestly, the slippers got me.  Hands down that is the most awesome thing to wear to a red carpet premiere.

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